Religious Fanaticism Has Reached a Whole New Level of Crazy

Ladies and Gentlemen,

This letter was lovingly written to me by my own mother. I want to show the world just what religious fanaticism will do to someone. To preface this my basement was flooded during the recent storms and it took out our HVAC. I stayed with the parents while we were waiting for the ac to be repaired:


Dear Daughter,

I need to talk to you about some things. I love having you here. You are my daughter and I love you. I taught you about modesty and decency. It's as if you are saying to me in your dress "That's a bunch of stuff. I don't have to do what you said!" Well, that's not OK when you are here. I expect your respect for my wishes. Cover up, Mary. You are dressing like the world in all its lust and impurity. You are a beautiful woman, yet you are "advertising'. not leaving much to any mystery. this is really upsetting to me that you aren't respecting yourself or us. I couldn't believe that you went out in that tonight!

Love,
Mom

Now what was it she found to be so offensive? Was I going out in my underwear? Naked? No. What she found offensive was this:



Now is that really so bad? Yeah I have cleavage, and yeah I like to display a little of it, but did it really warrant my mother basically calling me a whore? Also, I am 30 fucking years old. I figure at this point I can damn well wear whatever I want to wear.

I am so angry about her self-righteous bullshit. I can pinpoint exactly when her modesty obsession came about. She was watching a priest give a sermon on immodesty. I actually heard this dipshit say "the female form is an occasion for sin".

I'm so mad I can barely see straight.

Farewell Old Geezer Sneezer Caesar

My ex just told me that my dog, Caesar had to be put down. Both of my babies gone in the course of a month...I don't know how much more of this I can take.

That which does not kill me makes me stronger. I guess.

I need some happy, dammit.

Farewell Frederick J Tinker-Tink

8 years ago a tiny little furry guy entered my life and captured my heart. He was small; so small that he could fit in your shirt pocket with room left over. He was injured and close to dying. My then mother-in-law nursed him back to health and placed him in my and my then husband's care.

Through the moves from location to location, and through my struggles with my ex husband he was there for me. He knew just how to comfort me when I was upset, and he was the best bedtime snuggler. I would fall asleep with him laying on my chest - head against my cheek.

When I left my ex I also left him. That was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made.

Last night at 3am he took his last breath.




My heart is broken.

I miss ....

someone to go home to
someone who understands my quirks
someone who loves me for who i am
companionship
saying silly things
meaningful conversations that last into the night
cuddling
total acceptance





not being lonely

Catching up / Music

I have been lacking things to say lately. It's not that I have nothing happening in my life, but I don't seem to have the ability to verbalize any of it. I'll just say that there have been a string of disappointments combined with huge amounts of work stress.

My date last night stood me up, so instead of acting on any of my destructive behavior urges I went to ear x-tacy to drown my sorrows in music. I looked for colourmusic's album, but they had to order it for me. so instead I got !!!'s (pronounced chk-chk-chk) "Myth Takes" album and "Chunk of Change" by Passion Pit. Both albums have proved to be hella awesome and dance-worthy.

I also found out that coffee + zunes don't mix. Now what am I going to do to get my music fix? I want to get an ipod but the price of them makes me cringe. Blah.

I am hoping to have something else to say soon. I heart my blog family!

The Illusion Ends

I have not really heard back from Awesome Date Guy. I guess that means it wasn't as awesome as I thought. Ugh, this learning to date thing sucks.

Neurosis

Once I think that my self-esteem is where it should be something happens to knock it down a few notches. It's usually something internal and stupid; like what I experienced last weekend.

My ladies and I went out for an evening of dancing at ye olde Flanagans derby night. First, I have no idea what possessed us to think that this was a good idea but it sounded like fun at the time. The douchebags with popped collars count was astronomical! What got me realizing that maybe I wasn't feeling as good about myself as I should was when - out of my group - some dude would make a pass on all of the ladies, get rejected, and then settle with me. Of course they got the stink eye and an elbow jab from me.

Each one of us in our group has our own self-esteem issues, and we talk about this freely, but damn! I am getting tired of the roller coaster.

Sunday Evening

I went on a date Sunday evening and I had a GREAT time. We met for coffee around 5:30 and conversation was instant. He shares my goofy sense of humor and is just as easily amused as I am. After coffee we took a walk and ended up at Cumberland Brews for some hummus and beer (or in my case, cider) and more chit chat. There were no awkward silences, just lots of laughter and even arm wrestling. We went for another walk afterwards and ended back at the coffee shop around 9 and were still talking. Then he invited me to his house to watch a movie. Now, you are probably thinking just what I was thinking, but the idea of watching the abomination that is "Twilight" with the MST3K guys dubbed over it was too good to resist. We took my car to my house and then he drove me to his.

He was a perfect gentleman. There was no attempt to grope, makeout, or anything. We just watched the movie and giggled the whole time. It was nice. He drove me home afterwards gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said "we should do this again sometime". I agreed with him and went inside. Later I sent him a text to tell him that I had a great time and he replied with "Yes! A had a great time too! And I say lets do it again soon!"

Ladies and gentleman: this was a real date. Huh. I had forgotten what that was like. :)

Art is Therapy

The retreat is going well so far. I had a session where we were to make a representation of our journey. This is what I came up with:




Afterward they wanted us to journal our observations from it. I wanted to preserve my thoughts somewhere besides a piece of paper that I will most likely lose.

Movement. The swirling unknown. A part of me is clinging to the past yet the rest of me is reaching to the future; the unknown. My roots are planted in rock and I am precariously hanging to the cliff afraid to take the leap. I can see myself stretching. Grasping. Reaching. There are faces in the rock. Some stern and disapproving. There are hands withing the rock holding me in place; keeping me from jumping. There are no leaves on the tree. I can't have new growth until I jump from the cliff. I need to let the fog of the unknown envelop me in its embrace. There is a great vast otherworld beyond the fog and I want to see it. I am strong. I can withstand anything. I. Can. Do. This.



The night before they had us take a piece of clay, and with our eyes closed, create a representation of where we are now. I made an hand reaching up. Then, we took a piece of posterboard and drew a place in which we could ground the sculpture. I scribbled a bunch of ick.




Compared to the bowls and smiley faces the other retreaters made this looks pretty morbid, but oh well. It is me.

I made pottery with a wheel for the first time today and I absolutely loved it. I think I am hooked. The instructor (who was pretty damn cute) said I was a natural. He may have been talking out if his ass but the attention whore in me loved it :).

Before lunch I took a walk around the grounds.

Part of my story - self acceptance

Sometime in the last 10 years I lost myself. I haven't pinpointed when exactly but I think it was within the first year. I was quirky, opinionated, spunky, and boisterous. What I turned into was frumpy, timid, scared, and afraid to have my own opinion. This continued for so long that I lost my voice. I had no idea who the real me was anymore.

I was raised in a "traditional" household where women were subservient and obedient and meek. I had rejected these notions when I was old enough to start thinking for myself, but I found them creeping into my subconscious. I was becoming successful in my carreer while the ex husband was still working fast food and had no ambition to do better. I shouldn't have, but I began to lose respect for him. I kept hearing my mom's voice inside my head saying "women should take care of the home". The whole time he would say that he wasn't living up to his end of the deal because he "couldn't take care of me". Really, I didn't want him to take care of me, I wanted to take care of myself and be accountable to nobody but myself, but the guilt was there.

In the relationship there was little room for my ideas or opionions. Anyone who knows my ex-husband, even the people who liked him, called him a "know-it-all-asshole-who-doesn't-know-when-to-shut-up". After a while I stopped offering my opinion for the sake of harmony. It didn't really help, we still found ways to fight over everything, but it was the only thing I could do.

I stopped caring about my appearance, I stopped caring about my health, I stopped caring about anything. I was completely unhappy with life, myself, and my marriage. I was getting tired of being unhappy. After 7 years of battling with myself over my marriage I took the plunge and told him I wanted a divorce. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him and leave him high and dry. (at this point he had no job. he had quit it 2 months after we bought a house. thanks to him we were basically in financial ruin) He left, I took off my rings, cried for maybe 2 minutes, and felt...releived. I felt like a mountain had been removed from my shoulders. That helped me realize that it was the right decision to make.

My self-esteem had turned to crap while I was with him, but little by little it started to go back up. Now some of this wasn't in the best way. One should not define their self-esteem by the attention of others, but I was starting to get positve attention that I had never experienced before. (This leads to my "easiness" post i made before"). That, thankfully, is falling by the wayside. I don't need to define any aspect of myself through another.

I have learned that self acceptance is not settling. One can accept themselves as they are and still want to improve themselves. This is where i am now. For the most part, I like me. I think I am a pretty neato person, not some monster who eats babies for breakfast.

Part of my self discovery will hopefully take place this weekend. I am running off to Mt. St. Francis for a centering retreat. IT is described as:

A weekend experience of centering prayer. Through hands-on experiences with clay and paint, lectio and labrynth, journaling and meditation, we will discover how to maintain our centeredness in a turbulent world by entering into the heart of God. Retreatants will utilize painting studios and clay studios in the Art Center as part of each day's schedule.

I am looking forward to this actually. It will just be me and the other participants, which seems a little intimidating but I think i will manage. The jesus-y part of it makes me a little nervous but I think that I can find the balance i need. Plus, Mt. St. Francis is one of my favorite places on earth. I spent a lot of time there as a child and I am looking forward to walking some of the trails.

I will post again when I get back (or while i am there if they have the interwebs there. I am bringing the laptop just in case). I think it will be good to journal some of my experiences and observations.

Free time. I has it.

I'm compiling a list of things I can do for self-development. (recommendations are welcome)

1. School - I am returning fall 09 for database administration certification and then an A.S. in IT with the concentration in DBA. That will consume quite a bit of my time but until then...
2. Blogging - been good so far. I never journaled because whatever i wrote my mom would find and read and I would get in trouble. Then she would tell me to "write to get my feelings out". Jeez mom. why do you think I never did?
3. Guitar Lessons - I mentioned this before. The more I think about it the more I want to do it. I need a tangible outlet for creative energy
4. Knitting - I already crochet. Really want to learn how to knit and make cute things to wear
5. Zen Buddhism - The idea of this appeals to me. I consider myself an agnostic with some atheistic tendencies. I hold no ill will towards religion in general but it just isn't for me. This sounds like something I could get into because gawd knows I need some calm.
6. Volunteer Work - I have been considering being an escort for womens clinic patients. There are other things i have been considering but this is at the top of my list.
7. Gardening - i want to grow things but my previous experiences have resulted in death. I had a good reason though....I ended up leaving that house because of the divorce. I think maybe some hanging baskets or potted plants would be good. Maybe some tomatoes...
8. Traveling - My niece and nephew live in St Louis and I need to visit them more. I also have friends in Little Rock and Atlanta I have been neglecting. There is no excuse for me not to go since I have a place to stay.


Thats all I can think of for now.

Thunder-ness

Well I survived thunder and I have the pics to prove it!

The people watching was excellent. I lost count of how many were worthy of scorn from myself and my friends. What was disappointing though was the lack of mullets. Has it really caught on that mullets aren't a good thing, or do the mullet sporters wait for the state fair? I guess I will find out this August.

I managed to avoid a sunburn thanks to neutrogena's SPF 90000 spray. My skin is pasty white and my shoulders had not seen sun for months. I had resigned myself to a week of unbearable pain and peeling but thankfully it wasn't necessary.

When Jess and I tired of people watching and fried food consumption we went back to the hotel for some pool and hot tub time. The hot tub bubbles didn't work and there were 3 unsupervised prepubescents causing major hell and splashing us in the face. Now. I am normally a very nice person and non-confrontational but the one thing that will get me more pissed off than anything else is unruly children. So I let the kids have it. They were freaked out by this angry tattooed chick who was telling them to watch it. After that they cut it out and Jess and I were able to relax in relative peace.

For the fireworks we were able to watch from the roof of the hotel. It was nice except for the rain of ash and sulfur wind that blew our way.

It was a good time, but I don't think I would want to do it again unless I had the hotel hook-up again.

Here are some images from the day:


Me and my big gay beads
Disclaimer: This phrase was coined by someone who happens to be gay. If you are offended take it up with them.



The view from the hotel room




Is that a UFO?

Random whining

I have never ever attended thunder over louisville in my life but it looks like this year will be my first. One of my dear friends has the hookup at the hotel she manages and we are going to have an evening of booze, hot tub, and swimming pool.

I hate fireworks they tend to scare the crap out of me. I also have a deep-seeded loathing for crowds. Oh, and planes make me yawn. So why am I going? Well it is the time with these ladies I adore. I have been neglecting them in the recent past and need to rectify that.

From June 2008 to March 2009 I had been in a holding pattern. My weekends were filled with drinking too much and staying out until the sun was up because I was trying to drown my sorrows from the separation/divorce. It was not a healthy pattern. The finalization of the divorce flipped a switch in my head and I started to be come irritated with how I was living my life. So now is the time for a change. The holding pattern is over and I need to be with those who are my chosen family. They are my constant and I hope I haven't hurt them with my neglect.

Here is a question for the few of you who may be reading this. What does one do on the weekends that does not involve bars? I am at a total loss. You all seem like a creative bunch so hopefully you can come up with some ideas.

I need to pack for my overnight stay and get myself ready for today. I hope everyone else enjoys their weekend.

This Week's Music Obsessions

I am taking a "working lunch" today but I am so distracted I can't do a damn thing. So, I decided to discuss my latest musical obsessions.

Indra - Thievery Corporation
Album: The Mirror Conspiracy
This song (and the entire album) is so chill that listening makes me feel like I am in some snooty lounge with so-modern-it-hurts furniture and martinis and douchebags who are soooo much beter than everyone else. I am not really into that type of scene and actually prefer something more along the lines of a dive bar but this makes me want to consider it. It is ambient and world-music at the same time and I can't get enough of the sitars.

The Dress Looks Nice on You - Sufjan Stevens
Album: Seven Swans
I prefer my music more upbeat and a little more electronic but the lyrics are honest and the music grabs me by the gut and squeezes. I can imagine a scene where she is maybe feeling insecure about herself and a little self-conscous but all he sees is this vibrant woman who dressed up a little for the occasion.
I could be totally wrong about the actual intent of the song but it's a nice little fantasy.

Northern Lites - Super Furry Animals
Album: Guerilla
Woohoo! Calypso music and lyrics about the frozen north! I love it! I had totally forgotten about SFA until a few weeks ago when someone gave me a music mix with this song. How could I forget such an awesome band? Never again my dears. Never again.

Your Place - Zero 7
Album: The Garden
The song starts quietly but the lyrics don't last long though. What begins as mellow ambience turns a little more urgent with a constant drum beat in 6/4 time (gawd i am a sucker for 6/4 time. it just instantly grabs me). After a minute or so the horns start. I'm talking trumpets, trombones, and french horns. The horns become more urgent and begin to soar and with each measure I am even more moved. Then the song starts to slow down from the rising crescendo and goes back to the sound at the beginning. It's mellow calm and chill again.

Addictions

A dear friend of mine has suggested that I take a year off from physical relationships to get myself on track. I think this is a great idea. It would definitely help me clear my head and help me figure out myself.
...............................................................................

It would be easier for me to give up smoking.

...............................................................................

I know what causes this. I had put myself and my own wants and needs (not just the physical kind) away just to deal with the bad relationship. Now things are quiet. I am not surrounded by constant negative energy and my inner-self is starting to come thorough. That inner-self is lonely as hell. I try to deal with the loneliness but after a while it consumes me. Have you ever heard the song "Fuck the Pain Away" by Peaches? That ends up as me. It's not working. I end up increasing my number for no good reason or go back to a previous "friend" who uses me just as much as I am use them. Either option ends with me feeling slutty.

One more element is my fear of relationships. There are a few I have been interested in and could see potential for something serious much further down the road, but because of that potential I freeze. I watch them get snatched up by women who have the nerve. Now if I see no real potential I have no problem with initiating something physical.

A year of nothing physical....I need something in which I can channel that energy. I have thought of taking guitar lessons so I can have something to accompany my voice. Music as a replacement for sex. This might work.

Concerning Freakouts

I decided that I have worked too hard for what I have now to give it up so I am going to continue to work full time and go to school full time for an AS in Database Administration.

Meh

Sapiosexuality

http://www.unwords.com defines sapiosexual as:

1. (n.) A behavior of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.
Origins: From the Latin root sapien, wise or intelligent, and Latin sexualis, relating to the sexes.
Example: Me? I don't care too much about the looks. I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and evil sense of humor. I want someone that I can reach out and touch randomly. I want someone I can cuddle with. I decided this all means that I am sapiosexual.

I don't think anything has better described my sometimes inexplicable attraction to those most would not consider "attractive". Yeah a pretty face can catch my attention but it won't hold it. What gets me going is the biting sarcasm found in those usually described as "geeks". Slap tattoos on that and I become mush.

Here is a perfect example. I was sent an email by someone in whom I was a little interested, but not overly-interested...until he used the word "predicated". He used it correctly...and spelled it correctly. I swooned and was almost immediately obsessed.

This all comes down to how I descried myself in one of my earlier posts. It adds to my level of easiness. The snarkiness makes me melt. I CAN'T get myself to go for those who are not uber-sarcastic. I have no interest in them at all. So now what?

Freakouts and Too Many Options

I had a panic attack at work this week and escaped to my mom and step-dad's home for some parental pampering. What set it off? Was it money? Insecurity? Self-esteem issues? Stress? There are so many factors in my latest freak out. Friend pitted against friend; both of whom are dragging me in the middle. My own insecurity about my body. I think deep-rooted issues from my childhood have brought it about. Lots and lots of work. Biploar-mania-induced financial irresponsibility.

Then there is the biggie. The straw that broke the camel's back. It is the possibility of quitting my good-paying full time job to live with the parents, work part-time, and go to school full time. I want to do this so badly but it would mean living with them again. I really want to live by myself. I worked my ass off for the job I have now, but it is something I meandered my way into. I don't want to be a data analyst for the rest of my life.

So many options. I am getting overwhelmed.

The Grouchies

I have been grouchy as hell for the past 3 days and it will not go away. Maybe it's from constant irritation from my newly pierced nipples. Maybe it's from constant irritation from those who share my office. I don't know but I am starting to get on my own nerves.

Life, The Universe, and Everything

I am not really a blogger, nor am I a writer. When I attempt to write my brain turns into mush. This is my lame attempt to get thoughts out about my life, divorce, work, etc.

About me: I am a workaholic. I have worked 60 - 70 hours a week since the start of February and it doesn' t seem to be letting up anytime soon. My current employment is as a data analyst for a global healthcare company. It isn't sexy work, and it isn't very exciting, but it is steady and pays a decent wage. My company has decided to build a system for keeping track of customer issues and I have taken on the task of building the reporting from the ground up. This is completely frustrating as what data is going to be available isn't even known yet. I am expected to map out data fields and reports that may not even exist. Talk about feeling like I am going to be set up to fail.

As of March 3, 2009 I am divorced. My marriage lasted for 10 years though we were separated after 9. I am releived yet terribly disappointed that I couldn't make it work. I married for all the wrong reasons. We met in college in the winter of 1998 and were married by November 1998. At the time we met I was 19. 19!!! I never dated in high school and I had never really had a boyfriend. My only experience at the time was a sexual relationship with a man 21 years older than me. My self-esteem was so low that I thought this man (my soon to be husband) was my only chance to be loved. I guess it didn't matter how I felt about him I just needed to be adored. More to come on this. I can't seem to make myself write about it.

So here I am now - 30 and newly single and trying to figure out what most people learn in their late teens and early 20's. That would be DATING. I am horrible at it. I have become what could be called as "easy" and it is causing me a lot of heartache. Yes, I have put out on the first date, and yes I have put out on the second date. The men I date have a tendency to disappear. Maybe I am just too needy. I definitely haven't figured out how most men in their late 20's to early 40's think. They confuse the hell out of me.

Close Quarters

"it was at this point that Mary could no longer stand Laura.. Mary went ahead and put on her headphones. "bitch" she muttered under her breath"