Part of my story - self acceptance

Sometime in the last 10 years I lost myself. I haven't pinpointed when exactly but I think it was within the first year. I was quirky, opinionated, spunky, and boisterous. What I turned into was frumpy, timid, scared, and afraid to have my own opinion. This continued for so long that I lost my voice. I had no idea who the real me was anymore.

I was raised in a "traditional" household where women were subservient and obedient and meek. I had rejected these notions when I was old enough to start thinking for myself, but I found them creeping into my subconscious. I was becoming successful in my carreer while the ex husband was still working fast food and had no ambition to do better. I shouldn't have, but I began to lose respect for him. I kept hearing my mom's voice inside my head saying "women should take care of the home". The whole time he would say that he wasn't living up to his end of the deal because he "couldn't take care of me". Really, I didn't want him to take care of me, I wanted to take care of myself and be accountable to nobody but myself, but the guilt was there.

In the relationship there was little room for my ideas or opionions. Anyone who knows my ex-husband, even the people who liked him, called him a "know-it-all-asshole-who-doesn't-know-when-to-shut-up". After a while I stopped offering my opinion for the sake of harmony. It didn't really help, we still found ways to fight over everything, but it was the only thing I could do.

I stopped caring about my appearance, I stopped caring about my health, I stopped caring about anything. I was completely unhappy with life, myself, and my marriage. I was getting tired of being unhappy. After 7 years of battling with myself over my marriage I took the plunge and told him I wanted a divorce. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him and leave him high and dry. (at this point he had no job. he had quit it 2 months after we bought a house. thanks to him we were basically in financial ruin) He left, I took off my rings, cried for maybe 2 minutes, and felt...releived. I felt like a mountain had been removed from my shoulders. That helped me realize that it was the right decision to make.

My self-esteem had turned to crap while I was with him, but little by little it started to go back up. Now some of this wasn't in the best way. One should not define their self-esteem by the attention of others, but I was starting to get positve attention that I had never experienced before. (This leads to my "easiness" post i made before"). That, thankfully, is falling by the wayside. I don't need to define any aspect of myself through another.

I have learned that self acceptance is not settling. One can accept themselves as they are and still want to improve themselves. This is where i am now. For the most part, I like me. I think I am a pretty neato person, not some monster who eats babies for breakfast.

Part of my self discovery will hopefully take place this weekend. I am running off to Mt. St. Francis for a centering retreat. IT is described as:

A weekend experience of centering prayer. Through hands-on experiences with clay and paint, lectio and labrynth, journaling and meditation, we will discover how to maintain our centeredness in a turbulent world by entering into the heart of God. Retreatants will utilize painting studios and clay studios in the Art Center as part of each day's schedule.

I am looking forward to this actually. It will just be me and the other participants, which seems a little intimidating but I think i will manage. The jesus-y part of it makes me a little nervous but I think that I can find the balance i need. Plus, Mt. St. Francis is one of my favorite places on earth. I spent a lot of time there as a child and I am looking forward to walking some of the trails.

I will post again when I get back (or while i am there if they have the interwebs there. I am bringing the laptop just in case). I think it will be good to journal some of my experiences and observations.